A husband’s role in birth is to protect the space his wife is laboring in. That means preparing his own mind before labor starts, knowing the birth plan well enough to speak up for it, keeping the room calm, and carrying the household through postpartum so she can rest and heal.
When I was working as a labor and delivery nurse, I watched so many dads get pushed to the side of the room. They’d stand by the window holding the bag and the phone, waiting for someone to tell them what to do (and honestly, most of the time nobody ever did).
It breaks my heart, because nearly every one of those men wanted to help. They just had no idea what their job was.
So I sat down with Eric Stein on the podcast to talk about it. Eric runs Restorative Roots, a postpartum meal company, with his wife Holly, and he’s a dad of three. Their first baby was born at a birth center and the next two were born at home. He’s spent almost five years in the birth world listening to other families’ stories, and he has a LOT to say about what dads are actually there for.
Here’s what we talked about, and what I want every husband to know before labor starts.
Why does the husband’s role in birth matter so much?
A husband’s calm, prepared presence helps his wife let go in labor. When he’s steady and protective, she’s free to focus on birthing her baby.
Eric told me the thing he didn’t understand as a first-time dad was how much his own energy mattered. “My mental preparedness was, like, as important as hers,” he said. Our culture puts almost all of the birth prep on the woman. She reads the books, she takes the class and she writes the plan, even though the two of you made this baby together.
My husband Nick and I are Catholic, and in the Church we talk about the masculine genius and the feminine genius. Men and women each come with their own set of strengths, and those strengths are equal and complementary. Birth is one of the clearest places you can see it. She does the work of letting go and opening up, and it is SO much easier to do that when she knows someone is protecting her.
Eric put it this way. For a successful birth, the woman needs to be able to really let go, and for her to do that, her husband needs to show up as the protector in the room.
How can a husband prepare for labor before the due date?
He can prepare by learning the birth plan, getting the house and meals ready early, and working on his own fears before labor starts.
Here’s what Eric did before each of their three births, and what he recommends in his free guide for dads, The First 40 Days for Men:
- Make a checklist with your wife and review it every day. Talk through what happens when labor starts, who you call and what goes in the car. “If you’re like me, I just forget stuff,” Eric said, so he read it every day until it was automatic.
- Treat the week before the guess date like it’s the day. (Eric doesn’t even like saying due date, and I love that.) A week out, he started waking up and telling himself “Okay, today’s the day.” He tied up loose ends, got the chores done and made sure the kids were taken care of, so when labor actually came he was ready.
- Fill the freezer. Soups, bone broth and anything warm and easy to digest. Eric and Holly prepped about 60 meals before their second baby, and he says that postpartum went so much better because of it.
- Work on yourself. Pray, get honest with yourself about what’s weighing on you, and find other men to talk to. There’s more on this in the next section.
How can a husband support his wife in labor without bringing his own fear into the room?
He can work through his fear before labor with prayer, breathwork and honest conversation, so he walks into the birth confident and calm.
This is the part of our conversation I keep coming back to. So many dads walk into the birth room carrying everything they’ve seen in movies and every scary story a coworker ever told them. If that fear never gets dealt with, it comes into the room with him and spills all over the place.
Eric’s advice is to deal with it ahead of time:
- Breathwork. Breathe deeply, picture the specific things you’re afraid of, and let them go. Then practice it again.
- Prayer. Hand the fear to God and ask Him to help you let it go.
- Say it out loud to other men. “If it’s just bouncing around in your head, you’re gonna show up anxious to the birth,” Eric said. A men’s group helped him so much, and he believes men coming together like that is one of the biggest ways we can change things.
- Know the plan cold. He had reviewed their plan so many times that on the day it was just automatic.
How does a husband advocate for his wife during birth?
He advocates by knowing her preferences well and practicing out loud what he’ll say if someone in the room pushes back on them.
As a former L&D nurse, I’ve watched birth plans get bulldozed in a matter of minutes. When things are moving fast and someone in scrubs says something in a serious voice, it’s really easy to just defer to whoever seems to be in charge.
Eric’s advice is to rehearse. Know your wife’s preferences, then practice saying the words at home so they come out easily on the day. It can be as simple as “Oh no, we’re not gonna clamp the cord yet. No, thank you.” He says to hold the line, and to remember that those decisions belong to you and your wife.
This matters whether you’re planning a hospital birth, a birth center birth or a home birth. It also helps SO much to choose a birth team you trust. When everyone in the room is already working to protect your wife’s preferences, her husband gets to focus on her instead of having to put up a fight.
Eric was honest that there’s one decision he would take back. With their first baby, they were past 41 weeks at a birth center and got nervous about the 42-week cutoff, so they agreed to a membrane sweep. Looking back, he wishes they’d had a little more faith and let their baby come in his own time. (That’s his story and not a medical recommendation, so please talk through a decision like this with your own provider.)
What is the husband’s role in postpartum?
In postpartum, a husband’s job is to take over the household so his wife can rest and heal, especially during the first 40 days.
Eric shared a picture that nobody ever explained to him as a new dad. After birth, the spot where the placenta was attached leaves a wound on the inside of the uterus about the size of a dinner plate. If you could see a wound that big on the outside of her body, you would treat her completely differently. “You’re her servant at that point,” he said.
A few things he wants every new dad to remember:
- Measure yourself by how little she’s doing. Basically, you’re doing everything she would normally do.
- Check your ego at the door. The hormones are all over the place, and it’s the worst possible time to argue or start planning out the next five years. Be there, hold the space and be helpful.
- Watch for resentment. If she can feel that you’re annoyed, it’s going to come right back to you. Do what needs doing and be glad to do it.
Eric and Holly noticed that each of their postpartums got better as Holly rested more. After their third baby she rested the most and recovered the best, and she told him she wished she could go back and do it that way every time.
Food is one of the biggest things a husband can take off his wife’s plate. If you’d rather not cook your way through those first weeks, Restorative Roots ships real-food postpartum meals nationwide, and I’ve been recommending them to families for a long time now. You can order here (that’s my affiliate link, so I earn a small commission if you order, and it doesn’t cost you anything extra).
What if my husband has to go back to work right after the baby is born?
Talk to his employer early about time off, get as much done as possible before baby comes, and ask honestly whether going straight back is necessary.
This is something I hear from moms all the time. Eric’s first pushback is to ask whether it’s really true that he has to go back right away. When their first baby was born he had a much more conventional job, and looking back he believes God would have provided if he had taken more time.
He suggests actually having the conversation with your employer. Tell them you’ve learned a lot about birth and that it matters to you to be present before and after the baby comes. At the very least, how they respond will tell you something about where you work.
And if going back really isn’t optional, do as much as you can up front. He buttoned up as much work as he could before the baby came, and he checked in only when he needed to.
How do I talk to my husband about stepping up in birth?
Come to him with vulnerability. Tell him you need his help, share what you’re afraid of, and point him to resources written for dads.
I asked Eric what he’d say to a mom who feels like she’s carrying all of the birth prep by herself. He said a man generally just wants to help, but if the conversation starts from anger or disappointment, it’s going to shut him down.
So tell him how you’re feeling. If you’re afraid, share that fear with him. Say “I need your help.” Then point him to things written for dads, like Eric’s First 40 Days for Men guide.
And to any dads reading this, Eric said it better than I could. “It’s time to step up. You’re being called.” Fatherhood is life’s greatest challenge, and it’s going to take the best version of you.
Frequently asked questions about the husband’s role in birth
What should a husband do the week before the due date?
He should act as if labor could start any day. That means finishing chores, arranging care for any older kids, wrapping up work and reviewing the birth plan so he’s ready when labor begins.
Can a husband advocate for his wife at a birth center or home birth?
Yes, advocacy matters in every setting. Choosing a birth team you trust makes his job much easier, because everyone in the room is already protecting her preferences.
What is The First 40 Days for Men?
It’s a free guide Eric Stein wrote for dads, with the lessons from his three births about supporting a wife through the first 40 days postpartum. You can find it on the Restorative Roots website: Download Here.
How can a husband help his wife heal after birth?
He can take over the household so she can rest. Handling the meals, the chores and any older kids during the first 40 days gives her body time to heal.
Why should a husband talk to other men before birth?
Talking through his fears with other men helps him let go of them before labor, so he doesn’t bring that anxiety into the birth room.
Where to go from here
Your husband has a HUGE role in how you birth and how you heal, and most dads would step into it in a heartbeat if someone just showed them what it looks like. My hope is that this gives the two of you somewhere to start.
- Listen to the full conversation with Eric (it’s a great one to put on in the car together): Catch it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
- Grab the free Speedy Birth Blueprint to start preparing your body and mind for labor: Download it here
Thank you for being here. I’m praying for you and your motherhood always. 🤍
Eve O’Brien is a former labor and delivery nurse turned Catholic birth doula and childbirth educator, but more importantly, a mama who’s been right where you are. She hosts the Natural Birth for Catholic Moms podcast and created the Holy Confident Birth Course.
Medical Advice Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not medical advice. It is not a substitute for care from your physician, midwife, or qualified healthcare provider. I recommend consulting your provider regarding your specific medical situation and before making decisions about your care.
